Conflict vs. Abuse: Telling the Difference
In this episode (EP8) of Coffee and Counseling, Not every hard conversation is abuse—but some patterns are. In this episode of Coffee and Counseling, Brian opens Scripture (Psalm 9:9; Isaiah 1:17; James 1:19; Ephesians 4:29) to show God’s refuge for the oppressed and His call for His people to act with justice and care. You’ll learn clear markers of healthy conflict (rupture → repair, mutuality, safety) versus abuse (pattern, power/control, fear, isolation), plus a simple P.O.W.E.R. self-check to help you name what you’re experiencing. In Sip-Size Q&A, we answer: “We fight and say hurtful things—how do I know if it’s just conflict or abuse?” We also share next steps for safety, wise help, and how churches can become true refuges.
If you’re unsure where your situation lands—or you need a safe, gospel-anchored plan—reach out to the Biblical Living Center. If you’re in immediate danger, contact local emergency services first. Pastors and church leaders: our team offers equipping seminars and curated resources to help your congregation be a safe place for the vulnerable.
Sip Size Q&A:
This is usually where I answer one of your questions in about three minutes—the perfect sip while the coffee’s still hot. So shoot me your curiosities about biblical counseling, Scripture, or even your favorite coffee brew method. You can leave a voice message at the link below or email below.
This week a listener asks: “We fight and say hurtful things—how do I know if it’s just conflict or abuse?”
You can email your questions here: coffeecounselingblc@gmail.com
If you prefer, you can also leave us a voicemail here: https://www.speakpipe.com/CoffeeandCounseling
Counselor’s Corner resources:
To help guide you further as you seek clarity on the conflict happeinng in your marriage, take Leslie Vernick’s “Destructive Marriage” assessment.
A quick self-check: P.O.W.E.R.
P — Pattern: Is there a repeating cycle (good phase → tension → blowup → blame → brief “honeymoon”)?
O — Outcomes: After apologies, does behavior actually change?
W — Withholding/Weapons: Are affection, money, kids, or Scripture used as leverage?
E — Entitlement: Do they believe they’re owed obedience, sex, silence, or admiration?
R — Risk: Do you feel unsafe if you disagree or set a boundary?
If you checked several boxes, treat it as abuse until proven otherwise. Talk with a trusted, safety-minded pastor or biblical counselor about next steps.
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