Nancy Beattie is a biblical counselor with the Biblical Living Center who has a particular heart for women navigating destructive and abusive relationships. She understands the confusion, fear, and overwhelming sense of responsibility that can accompany these circumstances, especially when a woman feels she must carry the burden of helping her husband change.
Nancy's desire is to see women rooted in the truth of God's Word, supported by the body of Christ, and freed from burdens God never intended them to carry alone.
In this thoughtful reflection, Nancy reminds women of a simple but profoundly liberating truth: We are called to love our husbands, but we are not called to be their Saviour.
Is your husband stuck?
Are you the only one who knows?
Have you tried everything you know, to help him?
Are you the only one that he talks to… really talks to?
If this is the case sister, I’m sorry. This weight is not one you were meant to carry.
Have you thought of the fact that you being his wife is a temporal reality, whereas the eternal reality is that you are his sister-in-Christ?
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. (Matthew 18:15 ESV)
Did you know that Matthew 18 applies to marriages too?
Is this message creating anxiety for you? If so, pay attention to that. Bring it to Jesus, don’t bypass it. Do you need to tell a trusted friend?
God cares deeply for your safety, and for your sanity.
Your husband’s sin is not your responsibility. Full stop. The pattern of explaining suffering as if it must be the consequence of sin has a long history. This mindset is not confined to only Job’s friends- this mindset exists in all of us.
Is it time to begin praying differently? To ask Jesus to help you discern what is not yours to carry?
Is it time to ask your church for help?
Is your church a safe place to ask for help?
Again, God cares deeply for your safety, and for your sanity.
He also cares deeply about your husband’s restoration to Himself.
We are not Jesus, sisters.
We do, however, belong to His body.
An excerpt from Leslie Vernick's The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope, in which Vernick draws upon Carolyn Custis James's Lost Women of the Bible.
“In her book 'Lost women of the Bible' Carolyn Custis James points out that the Hebrew word for helpmate 'ezer' is a powerful Hebrew military word whose significance we have barely begun to unpack'. She writes 'The ezer is a warrior, and this has far-reaching implications for women, not only in marriage, but in every relationship, season, and walk of life'. She continues 'Eve and all her daughters are ezers - strong warriors who stand alongside their brothers in the battle for God's kingdom'. This means that you are going to fight (God's way) to bring about your husband's growth and his good. You are going to allow God to use you to meet your husband's real needs, not just his felt needs…He needs a wife who will love him enough to tell him the truth and to respectfully challenge his selfishness, his self-absorption, and his self-deception. That indeed is risky love and redemptive love, and it's difficult to do with the right heart and actions. It's the laying-down-your- life kind of love because you do not know how he will respond or what will happen to you or your marriage once you do it.
You might be feeling scared right now. You're not sure you can (or want to) love your husband in that way. Take a deep breath; we'll work together to learn how to get there."
Source: Leslie Vernick, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope (WaterBrook, 2013), p. 93-94. Includes quotations from Carolyn Custis James, Lost Women of the Bible (Zondervan).
If you are in danger please contact 9-1-1 or your local women’s shelter.
Further Reading
Leslie Vernick — The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope
Leslie Vernick offers biblical insight and practical guidance for women navigating emotionally destructive marriages, helping them recognize harmful patterns, establish appropriate boundaries, and pursue wisdom and truth.
Learn more about Leslie Vernick