Her struggle is not about me

 A short exercise for women

I want to invite you into an exercise of imagination.

What goes through your mind, in an imaginary scenario, if your friend were to tell you that her husband was being a jerk?

Let’s take a second and mentally imagine this scenario: you are meeting for breakfast and she arrives, sits down and says, “Man, he was being such a jerk this morning”.

What are you feeling right now? Take a second.

What emotions arise IN YOU?

Think emojis- basic emotions. Take a second to name a couple.

 This exercise is important because if we don’t tend to our own heart (inner person) and we don’t bring our own reactions and responses to the Lord, then we risk not giving our friend the space she needs to process her distress.

Now imagine this friend talking about wanting to leave her husband.

What do you feel now?

What are you thinking?

What story are you telling yourself?

I’m not writing this to tell you what you should be feeling or thinking, rather I am writing this to draw attention to the importance of us doing our own inner work with God (Jesus’ first and greatest commandment). Because if we don’t tend to our own heart- the work of naming our feelings, exposing our inner narrative to His light, repenting of sin, lamenting our suffering, and processing our own pain- then we risk HER STRUGGLE becoming about ME.

If for example, I’m feeling afraid, and my mind goes straight to the thought that ‘Christian marriages of late have been such a poor witness of my savior’, then she will sense that. She will shut down and I will not be a safe place for her to process her pain.

She will sense it because she already has this fear herself. She knows this narrative well.

Let me ask you a question. When your friend called her husband a jerk, did your mind go to Romans 2:1? That we are not to judge. Is that what you thought your friend was doing? Judging her husband?

It could be that she was. I have no idea. It also could be that she is needing a safe space, without your judgment, in order to discern what is happening in her relationship. The book of Proverbs, in particular, encourages us to develop wise discernment in daily living, and Jesus Himself commands that we be ‘wise as a serpent and innocent as doves’ (Matt 10:16). He commands this because there are wolves; and wolves sometimes look like sheep.

Am I saying that your friend’s husband is a wolf?

I have no idea.

And neither do you.

I guess my point, is this: whether inside our marriages or outside our marriages, we are not to judge (Romans 2:1).

And whether inside our marriages or outside our marriages, we are to be discerning. We are to do the work of naming what is external to our self, accurately. This is not pointing the finger. This is not blame. This is not judgment. This is discernment, and it is wisdom.

Judging another looks down on them. Discernment involves accurately naming what is happening from a grounded (humble) posture. 

Let’s do our own heart work so that we are able to give one another the space to process experiences without being judged.

It is after all, God’s kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). If our friend needs to repent of judging her husband then we can trust Jesus to enter that non-judgmental space we have offered her. He will convict. It’s one of His specialties.

The gospel of Jesus meets suffering in a very different way than He meets sin. He meets sin with conviction and forgiveness; He meets suffering with safety, comfort and encouragement.

Let’s ask God for the courage to do our own heart work, the patience to listen to others without judgment, and the confidence in God to rightly apply His Gospel to our hearts.

Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? (Romans 2:4 ESV)