Love & Respect: When Good Intentions Miss the Mark
I talk to a lot of people day after day. In my counseling practice, I recommend a lot of books and those I counsel, tell me about books that, for them are life-changing. Often I applaud them. It is a joy to know that there are many biblically sound authors that point to Jesus and his word for life and godliness. After-all, that is the work of Biblical Counseling. Occasionally, there are books and methods that come up, that in my opinion can do more harm than good. An example of that is the book, “His Needs, Her Needs: Building and Affair-Proof Marriage” by Willard J. Harley. There is a section in that book that has become a running joke in my marriage because my wife and I are so incredulous by what is suggested. Harley lists physical attractiveness as one of the top needs of a man and encourages spouses to meet each other’s needs proactively. In that context, he writes about how a woman might consider cosmetic procedures, including plastic surgery, to maintain or improve her physical appearance—if that contributes to marital satisfaction. WHAT???
Needs-based counseling, is fundamentally anti-biblical because it frames marriage as a contract of demand and fulfillment rather than a covenant of grace and self-giving love. By teaching that spouses are obligated to meet each other’s “top needs” or risk infidelity, it subtly nurtures entitlement and shifts the goal of marriage from Christlike sacrifice to personal satisfaction. The suggestion that a wife consider plastic surgery to maintain her husband’s interest is a troubling example of this distortion—it reflects not the heart of Scripture, but the values of a pornified culture where women’s bodies are commodified and intimacy is reduced to visual gratification. In contrast, biblical love does not demand or manipulate, but lays itself down for the good of the other (Ephesians 5:25).
What’s more, this framework not only devalues women, but also diminishes men. It reduces them to shallow, visually driven consumers—luddites to character and spiritual beauty—suggesting they are incapable of valuing anything beyond skin-deep attraction. This is a gross insult to the kind of manhood shaped by the gospel, where maturity, self-control, and sacrificial love define strength, not visual preference or physical appetite.
WARNING: HE’S GONNA PICK ON GARY CHAPMAN- NO!!!!
I want to gently add Love Languages by Gary Chapman to this discussion. Love Languages can be a helpful starting point for understanding how we give and receive affection—sort of like a relational user manual, if your spouse came with one. But while the premise is a step up from needs-based entitlement (at least it’s about giving love, not just demanding it), it can still veer off-course. When weaponized, “my love language is…” becomes a polite way of saying, “You’re not loving me right until you do exactly what I want.” The truth is, Christlike love often means learning a new “language” not because it’s easy or natural, but because it serves the other with humility and grace (Philippians 2:3–4).
In his article Love Speaks Many Languages Fluently, (JBC 21:1) David Powlison elaborates on this and I invite you to read it. here’s a great quote:
“The empty emotional tank construct is congenial to our fallen instincts, not transformative. It leaves
what we instinctively want as an unquestionable good that must somehow be fulfilled. It not only leaves fundamental self-interest unchallenged, it plays to self-interest. Chapman gives
tax collectors, gentiles, and sinners something they can do on their own that might work to
make them happier.”
Which now brings me to Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. This book comes up a lot in biblical counseling ministry. Especially when your ministry focusses on families caught in abuse, as the Biblical Living Center does. As a biblical counselor committed to helping couples build Christ-centered marriages rooted in grace, truth, and mutual love, I want to offer a careful but necessary word about a book that has shaped many Christian homes over the past two decades.
Eggerichs’ central thesis is that women primarily need love and men primarily need respect, based on his reading of Ephesians 5:33: “Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” His aim—to restore harmony in Christian marriages—is commendable. The book is written with pastoral concern, and many couples have resonated with its effort to address felt needs and common miscommunication between spouses. To be clear, many marriages have been helped by rightly applying this dynamic—not as the sole key to marital harmony, but as one of many ways we can seek to serve one another in marriage. I am a bit of a simpleton, and so I conclude that when a person writes a whole book dedicated to one thing - he intends to make this one thing - the main thing. I do not agree. However, I know Eggerichs wants to help couples, but despite these good intentions, I cannot endorse Love and Respect as a biblically sound or pastorally safe guide for marriage. In fact, I believe it has done more harm than good in many cases, particularly in relationships where power, control, and entitlement distort the biblical vision of marriage.
The Problem Isn’t Just Misapplication—It’s a Misdiagnosis
Eggerichs suggests that the deepest need of a husband is respect, and the deepest need of a wife is love. While these may be common experiences in marriage, Scripture never divides our relational needs along gender lines this way. In fact, the greatest need of every human being—male or female—is to be reconciled to God through Christ, and to grow in the fruits of the Spirit in how we treat others (Galatians 5:22–23).
The biblical call for a husband to love his wife is not a signal that women don’t need respect, nor does the command for wives to respect their husbands mean that men don’t need love. These are not gendered needs but mutual Christian duties. 1 Peter 3:7 tells husbands to live with their wives in an understanding way, showing honor, and Titus 2:4 calls wives to love their husbands. Scripture simply doesn’t support a strict dichotomy between love and respect based on gender.
By framing respect as a man’s greatest need, the book often turns a biblical command into an entitlement—and it becomes dangerously close to granting husbands moral permission to demand deference, even in the absence of Christlike behavior.
Entitlement, Control, and Abuse
Perhaps the most serious concern is how Love and Respect can reinforce control and entitlement—especially in marriages already tilted toward emotional, spiritual, or physical abuse. Eggerichs does not give adequate guidance for recognizing destructive behavior or protecting victims from harm. In some cases, the book’s advice has encouraged women to endure mistreatment in the name of showing “respect,” while men are rarely called to account for sinful patterns of domination or neglect. In our ministry, a wife’s good behaviour never causes abuse to end. Sadly, it’s a tool she must use to make sure she doesn’t give her husband a reason to act out. There is no reason a husband should mistreat his wife. None. What’s even worse is that abusive husbands always find a new reason to oppress their spouses. It is how abuse is set up. Abuse is designed to make everyone on the receiving end feel like they have done something wrong.
This is deeply contrary to the heart of Christ, who came not to be served but to serve (Mark 10:45), and who calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Eph. 5:25). Jesus never demands respect as a condition for His sacrificial love—and neither should husbands. Scripture is clear that each person is accountable for their own actions: “The soul who sins shall die” (Ezek. 18:20), and “each of us will give an account of himself to God” (Rom. 14:12). Blaming a spouse for one’s anger, manipulation, or abuse is a refusal to take responsibility before God. No amount of perceived disrespect ever justifies sin. In Christ, we are called to put off the old self and walk in newness of life—not make excuses for the flesh (Rom. 6:6; Gal. 5:13).
When a book aimed at strengthening marriage becomes a tool used by abusive spouses to justify their behavior, we must stop and ask whether its framework is biblically sound and pastorally safe. Unfortunately, I’ve seen Love and Respect quoted by men demanding unquestioned obedience, while ignoring their own failure to love and serve with humility and gentleness.
A Better Way: Mutual Honor and Christlike Love
The gospel calls both husbands and wives to imitate Christ in their dealings with one another. Ephesians 5:21 sets the tone for the entire passage on marriage: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Mutual submission, sacrificial love, and respect are not gender-specific behaviors—they are the marks of Spirit-filled believers (Gal. 5:13; Phil. 2:3–5).
In a biblical marriage:
The husband leads not by control, but by Christlike sacrifice (Eph. 5:25–28).
The wife respects not out of fear, but from a heart transformed by grace (1 Pet. 3:1–2).
Both are called to humility, truth, forgiveness, and patience (Col. 3:12–14).
This vision is far more rich—and far more challenging—than the formula Love = Women’s Need, Respect = Men’s Need. It doesn’t reduce human beings to stereotypes but calls them to live out the gospel in the daily mess of marriage, relying on Christ’s strength and the Spirit’s guidance.
In Summary
While I appreciate the desire behind Love and Respect, I believe its framework is flawed, its teaching unbalanced, and its application potentially harmful—especially for the vulnerable. I have seen too many situations where the book was used to silence wives, excuse harsh husbands, and suppress honest cries for help.
For these reasons, I cannot recommend Love and Respect as a resource for Christian marriage.
Instead, I encourage couples to pursue materials that emphasize mutual accountability, servant-hearted love, and the redemptive power of the gospel to transform both husband and wife into the image of Christ.
What books would I recommend for marriages and struggling marriages? Here is a short list of imperfect books, written by imperfect people, for imperfect people, pointing them towards a perfect God in marriage:
When Sinners Say “I Do” by Dave Harvey
The Meaning of Marriage by Tim and Kathy Keller
Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make by Paul Tripp
How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong by Leslie Vernick
If you or someone you know is in a difficult or destructive marriage, seek wise, biblically faithful counsel. A godly marriage does not tolerate sin under the guise of “roles,” but pursues righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:17).