Honoring Their Autonomy & Being a Godly Example
This post is part of a 4-part series on Parenting Adult Children with Grace and Trust. Over the series, we’ll explore how to release them to God’s care, guide without controlling, model godly living, and love unconditionally while praying faithfully.
If your church is looking to equip parents for this unique and often challenging season, the Biblical Living Center offers a 1-day seminar designed to encourage and strengthen families through biblical teaching and practical tools. Contact us to learn more about bringing this workshop to your community!
“Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works…”
— Titus 2:7
As our children grow up, our role as parents must grow too. When they were small, we taught and directed. As teens, we advised and corrected. But as they enter adulthood, our influence must become more relational than directive—shaped not by our authority, but by our example.
Scripture invites us to move from managing to modeling, from control to Christlike character. This stage of parenting isn’t about saying more—it’s about living more faithfully and trusting more deeply.
Here’s a cleaner, more polished version of your personal note. It keeps the warmth, vulnerability, and insight while improving flow and structure:
On a Personal Note
While preparing for this series, I asked my oldest child, “What can Daddy do better?” Her response caught me completely off guard:
“Communicate more and spend more time together.”
It was unexpected—because I’ve spent much of my life trying not to pressure my kids in those very areas.
You see, I grew up feeling like I was never doing enough for my mom—never enough time together, never enough phone calls, never enough presence. No matter how much we did, it often felt like it wasn’t enough. I’m sure there were times when I genuinely fell short, but there was also a heavy blanket of guilt that made even good efforts feel inadequate.
I made a quiet vow in my heart: I will never make my children feel that way.
I wanted to give them space. To celebrate the moments we did share. Sure, there were seasons I missed them terribly, and I would say so—but I made it a point never to guilt them about it. I didn’t want to place expectations on them that felt burdensome or manipulative.
As a biblical counselor, I often help people identify ways they may be living out of past pain—overcorrecting in response to old wounds.
My daughter’s comment helped me see that I may have been doing just that.
In my desire to give her freedom, I may have inadvertently created distance. She didn’t feel guilt—but she also didn’t feel pursued. And in any healthy adult relationship, whether parent-child or friend-friend, expectations need to be communicated, not assumed.
At the end of the day, every relationship has its rhythms, and they need to be shaped not by fear or reaction, but by grace-filled communication and mutual care.
The Danger of Provoking
The Apostle Paul wrote:
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
— Ephesians 6:4
The word “provoke” here means to embitter, frustrate, or stir up resentment. It happens when expectations constantly shift, when encouragement is laced with criticism, or when control is masked as concern.
Imagine a father who applauds a B+ one week, only to scold the same grade the next. To the child, love becomes conditional. Over time, the heart closes off—even if obedience remains. This is the kind of discouragement Paul warns us against.
In the context of adult children, this “provoking” can look like:
Offering constant unsolicited advice about their career, marriage, or parenting
Using emotional pressure or guilt to maintain influence
Overstepping boundaries—showing up uninvited, prying into private matters, or undermining their spouse
These behaviors don’t just frustrate—they communicate, “I don’t trust you.”
Instead, Scripture calls us to reflect the Lord’s character: patient, consistent, encouraging, and gracious.
A New Way to Nurture
Your adult child is not just older—they are now accountable to the Lord in a new way.
“The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.”— Proverbs 20:5
Wise parenting at this stage looks more like drawing out than pushing in. It’s less about correction, and more about presence, prayer, and patience.
Here are five biblical postures to embrace:
1. Restraint Is Wisdom
“Whoever restrains his words has knowledge… Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise.”
— Proverbs 17:27–28
Your silence may carry more weight than your opinion.
2. The Right Word, Not All the Words
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.”
— Proverbs 25:11
A single humble, well-timed encouragement can do more than a stream of advice.
3. Be a Tree of Life
“The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life…”
— Proverbs 11:30
A righteous life quietly bears fruit—your children will see it, and it will speak.
4. Trust the Lord with Them
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart…”
— Proverbs 3:5–6
You may know your child’s tendencies—but God knows their heart. Your job is not to fix, but to entrust.
The Power of Your Example
“Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works…”
— Titus 2:7
Your walk with Christ is your most powerful parental influence. They are watching how you age. How you treat others. How you trust God through uncertainty.
So model:
🔹 Consistency in faith — Be faithful in church, the Word, and repentance.
🔹 Gentle speech — Speak encouragement, not pressure.
🔹 Respect for boundaries — Stay available, not overbearing.
🔹 Faithful prayer — Pray for them often, and let them know it—without guilt.
🔹 Love for their spouse and friends — Extend grace, not critique.
A Living Picture: The Gardener’s Fence
Picture a sapling you once planted in your yard. You watered it, sheltered it, and tied it gently when it leaned. Now, years later, it’s a strong tree—but it stands in someone else’s yard. You can’t prune it anymore. But you can admire it, pray for it, and be nearby if a storm ever strikes.
That’s what parenting adult children looks like: present, proud, prayerful—but not controlling.
The Letter Exercise: Speaking with Grace
As part of this workshop session, we invite parents to write a letter to their adult child—not to correct or control, but to bless and reflect Christ.
This letter should include:
Affirmation of their value (Genesis 1:27)
Respect for their autonomy (Romans 14:12)
Humble acknowledgment of past mistakes (Matthew 7:3–5)
A heartfelt blessing or prayer (Numbers 6:24–26 or Colossians 1:9–10)
Even if you never send it, writing this letter can soften your heart, clarify your hopes, and help you surrender your children afresh to the Lord.
“This letter is not about changing them. It’s about showing Christ through you.”
Closing Thought
Your adult children need less management and more modeling. Less pressure, more presence. They don’t need your perfection—they need your prayerful, humble, consistent walk with Christ.
The fruit of that life will be a quiet, steady testimony—one that God can use in ways you may never see.
📚 This is Part 3 of our 4-part series on Parenting Adult Children with Grace and Trust..
Want to bring this as a 1-day seminar to your church or community?
The Biblical Living Center offers biblically rich and practical workshops to equip parents in every season. Contact us today to learn more.